R U This Talented?

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About Me

advocate for those who have been wronged by assholes.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Bombing Maps

Recently maps of Detoilet were published where the people were and where vacant houses were. These along with some smart bombs would make a good bombing pattern. It wouldn't hurt the surrounding cities but would remove the problem blackey.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

RULES FOR DINGBATS

It's almost that time of the year again -- the Holiday Shopping Season. So, for the dingbats out there, here's your list of parking rules. For the non-dingbats, be aware that the dingbats will be out in full-force, and here are their rules:
Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule No. 3: In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule No. 4: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you ! see another driver signaling to take it, pull through and take it from him.

Rule No. 5: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.

Rule No. 6: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.

Rule No. 7: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule No. 8: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.

Rule No. 9: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule No. 10: If you have handicapp! ed license plates, use up a regular parking spot.

Rule No. 11: If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy," and park somewhere else.

Rule No. 12: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

Rule No. 13: When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule No. 14: When driving through a parking lot with alternating one- way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

Rule No. 15: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule No. 16: Empt! y your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule No. 17: If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

Rule No. 18: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought. Rule

No. 19: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying ! solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

Rule No. 20: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Monday, October 29, 2007

10 Truths

10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
               1. Elvis is dead.
               2. Jesus was not white.
               3. Rap music is here to stay.
               4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
               5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
               6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
               7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
               8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
               9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
              10. Having your children curse you out in public is not
                    normal.

            10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
             1. Hickey's are not attractive.
               2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
               3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
               4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
               5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
               6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
               7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
               8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad
                   fashion statement.
               9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every
                   person in your family.
              10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is
                    not normal.

            
10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
               1. O.J. did it.
               2. Tupac is dead.
               3. Teeth should not be decorated.
               4. Weddings should start on time.
               5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
               6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
               7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
               8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
               9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
              10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more
                    than your car.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Some ho bitch said

It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about.  A black congresswoman complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African -American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.
 
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I can hear it now:  A weatherman in Houston says...

"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas!  Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket !  Bitch be a category fo'!  So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo' crib, and head fo' da nearest gummit office fo' yo' FREE shit!" 

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Ghetto Spelling Bee

Leroy is a 20 year- old 5th grader from Detroit. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctor's and he handed me a cup and said, "Penis."

8.
Israel - Tito try to sell me a  Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."

9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.


12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

 

Furthering your education with Today's E bonic word:

 
Today's word is: "OMELETTE" Let us use it in a sentence.

 
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did,
but omelette dis one slide."

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

 That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

 Here are the Stella's for the past year:

 7TH PLACE:
 Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

 6TH PLACE:
 Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

 Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

 5TH PLACE:
 Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. 

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
 Keep scratching. There are more...

 4TH PLACE:
 Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

 Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.

 3RD PLACE:
 Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink rink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

 Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella's to go...

 2ND PLACE:
 Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,
 plus dental expenses. Go figure.

 1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
 This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home..

 Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?

Friday, October 26, 2007

Halloween Costume

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.

So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. 

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons,
the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the
2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Redneck Barbie!

She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-thur- better'n-you Barbies. Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer park friend.

Every Redneck Barbie comes complete with:

Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure!

A six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.

Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and sandals. Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Southern USA. (Waffle House uniform sold separately.)

Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair with black roots showing.

Miracle-o'-procreation button - Press button on Barbie's back and she's pregnant...again!

Action bitch pull string - Barbie can say 11 phrases including "I tol' yew fuggin' kids to stay the hell outta my yard!", "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur's my fuggin' cigarettes?", and more.

Also Available:

Barbie double wide dream trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus, also included. Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Play set (Sold separately).

Barbie dream car. 1982 Camaro in mix-n'-match colors and smokin' chokin' exhaust, and coat hanger radio antenna. Holds two redneck Barbies. (Smoke non-toxic unless inhaled.)

Abusive boyfriend Ken with Ass kickin' leg action and pimp slap backhand. With cowboy boots and bottle of 'Jack.' Curses, and mumbles when string is pulled.

Married life Ken with Beer bustin' expanding waist. Molded to recliner, with TV remote, beer, chips. Says "Shut up woman." And "Git me a beer." (Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Things I have learned living in Oklahoma

Things I have learned living in Oklahoma
 
 
1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Oklahoma ..
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Oklahoma plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
5. Onced and twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
7. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. Fixinto is one word.
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
12. Backards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'
13. 'Jeet?' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you' re done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
 

 
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM OKLAHOMA IF:
 
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.
3. You use 'fix' as a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store'.
4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
5. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
6. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
7. You carry jumper cables in your pickup...for your OWN pickup.
8. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
10. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a little warm'.
12. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
13. You know whether another Okie is from, north or south as soon as they open their mouth.
14. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-martin' ..
15. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.
16. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
Example: 'What kinda coke you want?'
17. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
18. We don't need no stinking driver's Ed....if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
 
19. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Oklahoma (and those who just wish they were).
 
 
Not EVERYONE can be an Okie, it's an art form and a gift from God!

The 'Rules of the South' are as follows:


01.) Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

02.) Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

03) Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how
slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.
Drive it or get out of the way.

04.) They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They
smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it?
I-10 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south.
Pick one.

05.) So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $825,000
cotton-pickers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

06.) So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly.
Try your best to comprehend the concept.

07.) If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in,
we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it
up to your ear at the time.

08.) OH YEAH, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi &
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

09) The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of
November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to ALL women,
regardless of age or beauty.

11.) No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak.
Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &
turkey.

12.) When we f ill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and
plenty of ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care
what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T
REAL CHILI!!

13.) You bring "coke" into my house, it better be BROWN, WET and
SERVED OVER ICE You bring "MARY JANE" into my house, she better be
cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck,
and have long PRETTY hair.

14.) College and High School Football is as important HERE as the
Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15.) Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --
it spooks the fish.

16.) Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities ,
and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love
for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come
for the holidays.

17.) We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines.
So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

18.) Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap
ain't music, it's just a lotta NOISE. We don't want to hear it
anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Something To Offend Nearly Everyone

Q.  What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A.  Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q.  Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A.     A different bar

Q.  What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A.  Sum Ting Wong

Q.  What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A.  A speech impediment

Q.   What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A.  They're hiring
Q.  Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A.  Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q.  What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A.  A pimp.

Q.  Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
      Wednesdays and Fridays?
A.  Because on Tuesday and Thursday the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q.  What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A.  The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
      along with a recipe.

Q.  How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A.  Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'
Q.  What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A.  A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...'
     A southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q.  Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A.  Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

Friday, October 05, 2007

You Might Be A Taliban If......

...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

...You have more wives than teeth.

...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.

...You've ever had your camel repossessed.

...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

...You've ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look too big?".

...You've felt the urge to "rub her out" after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.

...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

...You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

...You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

...And you live in a city close to Detwoit.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Fallen Angels

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of
their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."  A policeman,
seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled.  "Their sign
pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign
down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when
he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on
their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

Teachers nightmare

Hello,

My name be Ebonies Li Herenandez, an AfricanHispanicAsiatic-American girl who just got an award For being the best speler in class. I got 67% on the speling test and 30 points for being black, 5 points for not bringing drugs into class, 5 points for not bringing guns into class, and 5 points for not getting Pregnut during the cemester.

It be hard to beat a score of 120%.. The white dude who sit next to me is McGee from the Bronx . He got A 94% on the test but no extra points on account of he have the same Skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago.

Granny ax me to thank all Dimocrafts and Liberals for suporting Afermative action. You be showing da way to true equality.

I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor when Hillory take over da healtcare in dis cuntry.