How About Some Humor?

Bombing Maps

2010-02-20T06:53:00.001-05:00

Recently maps of Detoilet were published where the people were and where vacant houses were. These along with some smart bombs would make a good bombing pattern. It wouldn't hurt the surrounding cities but would remove the problem blackey.

RULES FOR DINGBATS

2009-12-16T12:43:00.003-05:00

It's almost that time of the year again -- the Holiday Shopping Season. So, for the dingbats out there, here's your list of parking rules. For the non-dingbats, be aware that the dingbats will be out in full-force, and here are their rules:
Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule No. 3: In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule No. 4: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you ! see another driver signaling to take it, pull through and take it from him.

Rule No. 5: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.

Rule No. 6: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.

Rule No. 7: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule No. 8: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.

Rule No. 9: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule No. 10: If you have handicapp! ed license plates, use up a regular parking spot.

Rule No. 11: If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy," and park somewhere else.

Rule No. 12: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

Rule No. 13: When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule No. 14: When driving through a parking lot with alternating one- way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

Rule No. 15: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule No. 16: Empt! y your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule No. 17: If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

Rule No. 18: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought. Rule

No. 19: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying ! solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

Rule No. 20: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Is this funny or just fuckin' stupid?

2007-11-06T08:02:00.000-05:00

10 Truths

2007-10-29T10:18:00.000-04:00

10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
               1. Elvis is dead.
               2. Jesus was not white.
               3. Rap music is here to stay.
               4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
               5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
               6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
               7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
               8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
               9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
              10. Having your children curse you out in public is not
                  normal.

            10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
             1. Hickey's are not attractive.
               2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
               3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
               4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
               5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
               6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
               7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
               8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad
                  fashion statement.
               9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every
                 person in your family.

              10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is
                  not normal.

             10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
               1. O.J. did it.
               2. Tupac is dead.
               3. Teeth should not be decorated.
               4. Weddings should start on time.
               5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
               6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
               7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
               8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
               9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
              10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more
                    than your car.

Some ho bitch said

2007-10-28T10:08:00.000-04:00

It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African -American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says...

"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket ! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo' crib, and head fo' da nearest gummit office fo' yo' FREE shit!"

Ghetto Spelling Bee

2007-10-27T23:18:00.000-04:00

Leroy is a 20 year- old 5th grader from Detroit. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctor's and he handed me a cup and said, "Penis."

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."

9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Furthering your education with Today's E bonic word:

Today's word is: "OMELETTE" Let us use it in a sentence.

"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did,

but omelette dis one slide."

Stella Awards

2007-10-27T21:36:00.000-04:00

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink rink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella's to go...

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home..

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?

Halloween Costume

2007-10-26T11:38:00.000-04:00

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.

So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons,
the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle.

Redneck Barbie!

2007-10-20T11:10:00.001-04:00

She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-thur- better'n-you Barbies. Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer park friend.

Every Redneck Barbie comes complete with:

Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure!

A six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.

Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and sandals. Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Southern USA. (Waffle House uniform sold separately.)

Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair with black roots showing.

Miracle-o'-procreation button - Press button on Barbie's back and she's pregnant...again!

Action bitch pull string - Barbie can say 11 phrases including "I tol' yew fuggin' kids to stay the hell outta my yard!", "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur's my fuggin' cigarettes?", and more.

Also Available:

Barbie double wide dream trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus, also included. Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Play set (Sold separately).

Barbie dream car. 1982 Camaro in mix-n'-match colors and smokin' chokin' exhaust, and coat hanger radio antenna. Holds two redneck Barbies. (Smoke non-toxic unless inhaled.)

Abusive boyfriend Ken with Ass kickin' leg action and pimp slap backhand. With cowboy boots and bottle of 'Jack.' Curses, and mumbles when string is pulled.

Married life Ken with Beer bustin' expanding waist. Molded to recliner, with TV remote, beer, chips. Says "Shut up woman." And "Git me a beer." (Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)

Things I have learned living in Oklahoma

2007-10-14T14:57:00.000-04:00

Things I have learned living in Oklahoma

1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Oklahoma ..

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Oklahoma plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

5. Onced and twiced are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

7. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. Fixinto is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

12. Backards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. 'Jeet?' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you' re done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM OKLAHOMA IF:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

3. You use 'fix' as a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store'.

4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

5. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

6. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

7. You carry jumper cables in your pickup...for your OWN pickup.

8. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

10. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a little warm'.

12. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

13. You know whether another Okie is from, north or south as soon as they open their mouth.

14. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-martin' ..

15. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.

16. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.

Example: 'What kinda coke you want?'

17. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

18. We don't need no stinking driver's Ed....if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

19. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Oklahoma (and those who just wish they were).

Not EVERYONE can be an Okie, it's an art form and a gift from God!

The 'Rules of the South' are as follows:

2007-10-14T10:41:00.000-04:00

01.) Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

02.) Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

03) Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how
slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.
Drive it or get out of the way.

04.) They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They
smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it?
I-10 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south.
Pick one.

05.) So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $825,000
cotton-pickers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

06.) So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly.
Try your best to comprehend the concept.

07.) If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in,
we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it
up to your ear at the time.

08.) OH YEAH, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi &
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

09) The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of
November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to ALL women,
regardless of age or beauty.

11.) No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak.
Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &
turkey.

12.) When we f ill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and
plenty of ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care
what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T
REAL CHILI!!

13.) You bring "coke" into my house, it better be BROWN, WET and
SERVED OVER ICE You bring "MARY JANE" into my house, she better be
cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck,
and have long PRETTY hair.

14.) College and High School Football is as important HERE as the
Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15.) Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --
it spooks the fish.

16.) Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities ,
and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love
for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come
for the holidays.

17.) We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines.
So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

18.) Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap
ain't music, it's just a lotta NOISE. We don't want to hear it
anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

Something To Offend Nearly Everyone

2007-10-13T22:59:00.000-04:00

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

You Might Be A Taliban If......

2007-10-05T15:24:00.000-04:00

...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

...You have more wives than teeth.

...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.

...You've ever had your camel repossessed.

...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

...You've ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look too big?".

...You've felt the urge to "rub her out" after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.

...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

...You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

...You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

...And you live in a city close to Detwoit.

Fallen Angels

2007-09-27T12:56:00.001-04:00

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of
their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman,
seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign
pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign
down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when
he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on
their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

Teachers nightmare

2007-09-27T12:53:00.001-04:00

Hello,

My name be Ebonies Li Herenandez, an AfricanHispanicAsiatic-American girl who just got an award For being the best speler in class. I got 67% on the speling test and 30 points for being black, 5 points for not bringing drugs into class, 5 points for not bringing guns into class, and 5 points for not getting Pregnut during the cemester.

It be hard to beat a score of 120%.. The white dude who sit next to me is McGee from the Bronx . He got A 94% on the test but no extra points on account of he have the same Skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago.

Granny ax me to thank all Dimocrafts and Liberals for suporting Afermative action. You be showing da way to true equality.

I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor when Hillory take over da healtcare in dis cuntry.

Martha Stewart For Rednecks

2007-09-27T07:59:00.001-04:00

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that

should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.

However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good

money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they

tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of

finger foods.

* * *

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,

and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your

fingers covering the label.

* * *

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared

by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good

his manners are.

* * *

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first

date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been

wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the

bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.

Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the

latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to

school on time.

* * *

THEATER ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up

immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have

proven they can't hear you.

* * *

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a

cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky

appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this

Special occasion.

* * *

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is

loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest

tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is

impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when

driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

* * *

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still

considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

STUTTERING CAT???

2007-09-27T07:04:00.001-04:00

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who

stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could

become asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and

the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start

and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his

back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...

And before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

African Roulette

2007-09-26T22:26:00.001-04:00

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit
Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian
ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined,
dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia
had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As
your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our
traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of
this gun is loaded--you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your
head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a
warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men
took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh
of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous
game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian
Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian
with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading
him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador
spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African
roulette." So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only
occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African
ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of
one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blow
job--take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he
couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said,
"Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the
danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador
answered, "One of them's a cannibal."

Yo' Mama

2007-09-26T16:22:00.000-04:00

What's the difference between yo' mama and the Titanic?
The Titanic sunk and yo' mama floated.

Yo'mama so dumb that the psychic friends only charge her 1/2 price to read her mind.

Yo' mama got such bad dandruff, the principal declared a snow day!

Yo' mama's so dumb she thought Subway made trains.

Yo' mama's so dumb, she went to a movie that said, "Under 18 not admitted," so she left to go get 17 of her friends.

Yo' mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig is the door.

Yo' mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Go Here for the Truth

2007-09-26T11:30:00.001-04:00

http://firejerryo.blogspot.com/

Detroit Remains No. 1 For Violent Crimes

2007-09-26T11:05:00.000-04:00

The FBI released its final 2006 violent crimes report on Monday.
Detroit remains No. 1 and Flint remain No. 3 in the nation for violent crimes among cities with a population of 100,000 or more.

Nationwide, violent crimes were up 1.9 percent compared to 2005, and property crimes decreased by 1.9 percent, according to the FBI.

In Michigan the increase was 1.5 percent. Violent crimes in Detroit rose by 1 percent.

Canton Township had the best results with a decrease in violent crimes by 30.1 percent.
The mexicans and niggers killed off each other.
Dearborn’s crime rate is also down by 20 percent.
They deported some of the terriorists and the rest wandered into Detroit by accident. The GPS is working real good.

I guess you are proud of this?

2007-09-24T15:22:00.000-04:00

DETROIT -- Crime in Detroit rose 11 percent last year due to a continued sharp rise in thefts and other property crimes, according to statistics released Monday by the FBI.
The city had 45 more murders in 2006 than in 2005, a 12 percent increase, though overall violent crime rose less than 1 percent, the figures show.
Nationally, violent crime went up 1.9 percent while property crime fell by the same margin. Property crimes nationwide fell to their lowest level since 1987, the FBI reported.
The figures for Detroit show little change from the FBI's preliminary report for 2006 released earlier this year.
Despite a bloody period last week, Detroit police crime records suggest the city could post an overall drop in crime, including murders, officials have said.

Keep working on it and you can have the highest in the country.

The long awaited reunion

2007-09-21T09:57:00.000-04:00

Cheap fix

2007-09-05T11:06:00.001-04:00

What school is our kid going to this year?

2007-09-05T10:15:00.000-04:00

Hey you crack heads

2007-09-05T09:15:00.000-04:00

Use pine cones covered with wax.**

Pack charcoal in paper egg cartons and tie shut. When ready to use, just light the carton.

Put a piece of charcoal in each section of a paper egg carton. Cover with melted wax.** Tear apart and use as needed. You can also use sawdust, dryer lint or Pistachio shells instead of the charcoal.

Take 100% cotton balls and thoroughly rub Vaseline into them. Keep in a ziplock bag.

Newspaper cut into strips(3"-4" wide). Roll up and tie with string. Cover with melted wax.**

Use lint from your dryer as a fire starter.

Bundle about 10-12 Diamond brand "strike-anywhere" wooden kitchen matches together with waxed dental floss. The heads of the matches should all be pointing in the same direction. Generously soak the buddle of matches (except heads) in melted paraffin wax** to waterproof and to provide a long burn time. Dip heads lightly only to waterproof them. Simply strike on flat rock to ignite.

Cut a cotton cord into 1" lengths and soak in melted wax.** Let dry and store in empty film container or ziplock bag.

These are called candy kisses. Use the small 6" emergency candles and wrap them up in waxed paper. Tie/twist both ends of the waxed paper to seal in the candle (looks like a salt water taffy candy). Light an end when you are ready to start your fire.

Cut waxed milk cartons into strips to be used as kindling for your campfire.

Stuff paper towel or toilet paper rolls with paper.

To get your charcoal pieces ready quicker, use a charcoal chimney.

Newspaper crumbled into a ball

Use dried pine needles

Soak a piece of charcoal in lighter fluid. Coat with wax.**

Use small condiment or "sample-size" cups. Add a long wick to each cup and fill with melted wax.** You can also fill them with sawdust.

Stack of small pieces of cardboard covered in wax**

Waterproof your matches by dipping them in wax** or coating them with clear nail polish

Use cotton string about 3-4" long, put in wax paper bathroom cup with about an inch hanging over the edge. Fill cup nearly to the top with saw dust and pour melted wax into the cup. The saw dust will compact and become waterproof. The extra string length is a wick to start burning the starter, but can also be tied to another starter string through a pack loop to carry outside your pack. - Submitted by C. Berman

Keep a plastic "twister" type of pencil sharpener handy. It's great for shaving kindling (especially if wood is damp)

Use wooden ice cream/popsicle sticks. Keep them in a watertight container.

Take an empty toilet paper roll and tie some tissue paper onto one end with some twine. Fill roll with sawdust, cotton balls, etc. Tie the other end as you did the first one, but leave some string hanging out. Put candle wax on the string.

Beer Contains Female Hormones!!!

2007-09-04T21:57:00.000-04:00

This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones!Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

Argued over nothing.

Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

Gained weight.

Talked excessively without making sense.

Became overly emotional.

Couldn't drive.

Failed to think rationally.

Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary

Are they dumb?

2007-09-04T21:53:00.000-04:00

Two Polocks were driving east across the country. When they got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD," so when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out of their car, and started cleaning the restrooms! As they traveled further east, they found it difficult to make any progress because there were so many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way. When they finally arrived in Alabama, they came across a sign that read "WANTED!!! Two Mexican males for rape!" The two Polocks looked at each other and thought, "Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!"

Hair Remover

2007-09-04T21:50:00.000-04:00

A lady found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some "Nair."

At the register, the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Anger Management

2007-09-04T21:19:00.000-04:00

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter? "Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therarapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
You'll what?" I said!
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. You know what? Man! Anger management really works...

He said She said

2007-09-04T20:07:00.000-04:00

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time.

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... .. . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

New US Government Seal

2007-09-04T20:04:00.001-04:00

Speaker of the House Elect Nancy Pelosi today announced that the Democrats will change the country emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the new government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

Let's Take 5

2007-09-04T19:46:00.000-04:00

Job ChipsThe

2007-09-04T19:41:00.000-04:00

USE of the word SHIT in various professions:

Statistician:There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical):Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental):To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer:I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist:I hope this shit doesn't blow up.

Biologist:Is this shit alive?

Economist:I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand his shit.

Lawyer:For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor:Take two shits and call me in the morning.

Programmer:It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist:Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen..

Politician:It's shit, but it'll get me elected.

Waitress:You want fries with that shit?

Musician:This shit is out of tune.

Dean:Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant:Why doesn't this shit add up?

Quality Control Inspector:This shit ain't good enough.

IRS Auditor:I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer:I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader:Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss:Rub the little shits out.

NYC Cab Driver:Damn, looks like I hit that shit..

Florida Telephone poll

2007-09-04T19:15:00.000-04:00

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office, asked
whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious
problem: 29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

The Dot

2007-09-04T19:12:00.001-04:00

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage
or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has
recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see
whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop
or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice

Dis unt crack dis unt soap

2007-09-03T11:03:00.000-04:00

My cousin did what?

2007-09-03T10:57:00.000-04:00

New security device causes depression

2007-09-03T10:51:00.000-04:00

Stroller carjacked on west side.

2007-09-03T10:49:00.000-04:00

They sit down a lot in the hood'.

2007-09-03T10:47:00.000-04:00

Part Giraffe part Pervert

2007-09-03T10:46:00.000-04:00

Must be Mexican town

2007-09-03T10:43:00.000-04:00

Residency has it's priviledges

2007-09-03T10:41:00.000-04:00

I not rich I stupid

2007-09-03T10:37:00.000-04:00

Here's a guy who got a tattoo that

2007-08-20T14:16:00.000-04:00

represents the people of hockey town.

Is it time to vote again in detwoit?

2007-08-20T14:14:00.000-04:00

There's one mutha fucka that don't know detwoit is a dump

2007-08-20T14:09:00.000-04:00

The helmet is required while riding in the city.

2007-08-15T10:19:00.000-04:00

In Da' Hood

2007-07-06T08:25:00.001-04:00

National chains stay away from Detroit

2007-07-06T08:16:00.000-04:00

Here are some reasons cited by national retail experts on why brand supermarket chains avoid Detroit:

Net profits at supermarkets run 1-5 percent of revenue. If shoplifting by customers and employees runs 7-8 percent, the store is doomed to lose money.

High cost of maintaining security for the stores, something most suburban locations don't need. Shopping carts often disappear, at a cost of $300 per cart.

Personal safety for employees, with robberies, thefts and assaults both inside and outside the stores.

Difficulty finding qualified managers willing to run Detroit stores. Most prefer the suburban locations.

Problems seeking qualified workers for the stores. It can be a major undertaking to find employees who can pass reading, writing and math tests along with credit, criminal background and drug tests. And there is a constant turnover of employees at stores in the city. "It's a human resource nightmare," said David J. Livingston, a supermarket expert from Wisconsin.

Declining population. No national chain wants to move into an area that is losing population.

Lower per-capita income. That means less expenditure on food.

Racism and discrimination accusations. If the store raises its prices because of higher costs of doing business, it is often charged with gouging the poor.

A well-publicized violent crime or armed robbery can cost the store 10 percent of its business. Three such crimes, experts say, and the store may as well close its doors.

Stolen racecar pimped out.

2007-06-14T13:53:00.000-04:00

Watchout Mr. Mayor

2006-12-01T10:24:00.000-05:00

It's about time that 'Seinfeld's' Richards Hurls Racial Slurs On Stage

2006-11-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

N-Word Tirade At Black Audience Members Caught On Videotape
POSTED: 9:45 am EST November 20, 2006
The actor who played Kramer on the classic sitcom "Seinfeld" reportedly hurled racial epithets at two black audience members at a Los Angeles comedy hot spot Friday, leaving audience members outraged, according to TMZ.com.
According to the celebrity news Web site, Michael Richards went off on two black audience members who were heckling the comedian during a show at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood.
In a video of the incident featured on the Web site, Richards purportedly screamed, "Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass."
On the videotape, some audience members are gasping in disbelief.
Directing his anger at one of the men, Richards said, "Throw his ass out," and said, "He's a nigger!" five times.
Near the end of the tirade, Richards said, "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger."
In response to the tirade, one of men said, "That's unfucking called for -- ain't necessary," TMZ said.
After the three-minute tirade concluded, several audience members hit the exits, the Web site said.
Richards played Kramer on "Seinfeld" from 1989 to 1998. He also starred in 2000's "The Michael Richards Show," which was canceled during its first season.

Hey the monkeys went to the prom

2006-10-25T05:01:00.000-04:00

It's pretty damn bad when you got to have a website for

2006-10-25T03:46:00.000-04:00

volunteers to stop arsonists. Let me volunteer I still have a WWII flame thrower.

http://www.angelsnight.org/angelsnight/default.htm

It's time once again for Detroiters to stand together for Angels' Night, October 29-31. Each year, roughly 50,000 Angels' Night volunteers patrol city streets, turn on their porch lights and watch over their neighborhoods.We need the help of every caring Detroiter to continue to keep our city safe. We will continue to patrol our city's neighborhoods, turn on our porch lights and adopt vacant or abandoned buildings. Together, we can make Detroit a place where neighbors and volunteers join together to move our city forward.
HOW YOU CAN GET INVOLVED Parents and teachers, become an Angels' Night volunteer this year!
Here's how you can join the Angels' Night effort:
PATROL A NEIGHBORHOOD Volunteer teams of two or more people will be assigned to patrol a specific neighborhoods. These teams will patrol their assigned areas by car from 6 p.m. to midnight on October 29, 30 and 31. ADOPT-A-HOUSE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD Volunteers are asked to adopt a vacant house or commercial building in their neighborhood and watch that building from 6 p.m. to midnight during the three-day Halloween period (October 29-31).
PROVIDE LOGISTICAL SUPPORT All citizens are asked to turn on their front and back porch lights, or any other yard lights, from dusk until dawn on October 29-31.
KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS OPEN This is by far one of the easiest and most important ways to volunteer for the Angels' Night Volunteer Campaign. Volunteers are asked to carefully watch their neighborhood from their porch or window and be on the lookout for anything out of the ordinary. If anything seems out of place of suspicious, immediately report it by calling 9-1-1.
SHOW YOU CARE - WEAR AN ORANGE RIBBON Wearing an orange ribbon is a way to show that you care about Detroit and serves as a powerful reminder of what neighborhoods can accomplish when they stand together.
WATCH YOUR CHILDREN - ENFORCE THE CURFEW Again this year, an emergency curfew is in effect for juveniles under 18. It is unlawful for juveniles under 18 to be on city streets, unaccompanied by a parent or guardian, from 6 p.m. October 30 to 6 a.m. October 31.
How to Volunteer as an Individual
To volunteer as an individual, click here If you have registered as an individual before and your record needs to be updated, call the Volunteer Office at (313) 224-4415.
How to Volunteer as an Organization
To register an organization, click here
If the organization was registered before and the record needs to be updated, call the Volunteer Office at (313) 224-4415.
Activities
The Recreation Department plans parties for children 13 and under at the City recreation center during the Halloween period. Call your local recreation center for details

Hey Dawg

2006-10-05T09:36:00.000-04:00

CROSSBRED DOGS

2006-10-04T13:28:00.000-04:00

Spitz + Chow Chow
SPITZ-CHOW, A dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
POINTSETTER, a traditional Christmas pet
Samoyed + Norwich Terrier
SAMWICH, very handy, tasty breed.
Pekingese + Dachshund
PEKING DACH, owned by Chinese restaurateurs.
Poodle + Great Pyrenees
POOPYREE, a dog that smells good.
Smooth Fox Terrier + Chow Chow
SMOOCH, a dog who loves to kiss.
Airedale + Spaniel
AIREL, a dog that brings in good TV reception.
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
BLUE SKYE, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
PYRADACHS, a puzzling breed
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
PEEKASSO, an abstract dog
Keeshound + Setter
KEESTER, you can't get this dog off its duff.
Chihuahua + Whippet
CHIAPET, order from TV ad, 3 for $19.95.
Boxer + German Shorthaired
BOXER SHORTS, a dog never seen in public.
Basenji + Schipperke
BASERKE, a dog that's mad most of the time.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
IRISH SPRINGER, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
LAB COAT RETRIEVER, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
NEWFOUND ASSET HOUND, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
TERRIBULL, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
BLABADOR, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
MOOT POINT owned by.... Oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Lhasa Apso
COLLAPSO, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Collie + Malamute
COMMUTE, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
DERRIERE, a dog that's true to the end
Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller
COCKROT, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Bull Terrier + Shitzu
BULLSHITZ, a gregarious but unreliable breed

Detroit lets early chances slip away; Yankees strike with a vengeance

2006-10-04T10:33:00.000-04:00

October 4, 2006
NEW YORK -- It is possible, in the Persian bazaar outside Yankee Stadium -- sausages, stuffed animals, knishes, a man screaming about religion through a small amplifier, the creaky thunder of elevated trains, the smell of perfume and cigar smoke, fans crushing the turnstiles to cheer the best team money can assemble -- to feel, shall we say, intimidated.

But you can't play that way inside. Inside, the field is still grass, the base paths are still dirt and the rules are still the same: You have to get the other guys out.

Pitcher Nate Robertson, wearing glasses and looking like a college student, passed that exam for two innings Tuesday night, in the first playoff game the Tigers have graced in nearly two decades.

But two innings is not enough. Come the third, the mighty Yankees began with the top of their order, and nine batters later, they had two doubles, three singles, a towering home run, and a 5-0 lead. It was like a sampler pack. A test drive. Batters one through nine, and that's what you get.

The Tigers never stopped looking up.

"I didn't feel like I threw terrible tonight," Robertson said after the 8-4 Game 1 defeat, "but ... it's just a tough lineup. They find a way to get hits. They can get some hits up on you really, really quick."

Oh, the Tigers took their swings, too. They weren't scared. They got three runs in the fifth inning and one in the seventh. They put a lot of men on base. But Magglio Ordonez, their cleanup hitter, couldn't get runners across the plate several times, and Pudge Rodriguez, a guy the Tigers need to turn to, did not have his typical playoff lead-the-way performance (he was 0-for-4). And the very thing that Tigers fans feared most -- that the weak starting pitching as of late was a habit, not a hiccup -- haunted them again.

By the time Robertson walked off the mound -- midway through the sixth -- he had surrendered seven runs. Do the math. Starting pitching cannot give up seven runs if you want to be playing next week.

"Overall, he didn't pitch as bad as it seemed," manager Jim Leyland said.

I'm not sure what that means. But I know it doesn't change the result. The Tigers need to turn their pitching around, and their first chance has been squandered.

When the game ended, 26 minutes before midnight, it was pretty much what the "experts" had predicted and exactly what the Tigers didn't want. Too many runs allowed, not enough scored, and men on the mound who didn't scare anybody, least of all the most potent team in baseball.

So much power, so much talent

There was moment in the news conferences Monday that made the local TV here -- perhaps you saw it in Detroit -- where Joe Torre, the jowly Yankees manager, was asked about his lineup. He took out a card and turned it up, down and sideways, then basically said that he told his team could do the same with the nine starters and the power would pretty much be the same.

Up, down or sideways?

And the sad thing was, he wasn't far off.

"Hopefully," Torre said before Tuesday's game, "we make it tough on the opposing pitcher."

Right. And a sauna makes it tough on your antiperspirant.

This is an insane lineup the Tigers are facing. A pack of lions would think twice when facing it. Here is how good the Yankees are. They don't just have a few guys in their lineup hitting .300. They have two guys hitting over .340! And one of them bats ninth!

And then there is Derek Jeter. Whoo boy. On Tuesday, he continued to show why New York fans love him, especially in October. Batting second, Jeter got the first hit of the game, a single, and proceeded to get a hit the next four times he came to the plate -- including the coda, a walloping home run over the centerfield fence in the eighth inning. Even the jaded Yankees fans called for an encore bow, and he obliged.

Jeter is more than a reliable playoff performer, he is a catalyst, a lit wick, the hand on the throttle that starts the roaring engine.

"He had a pretty good night, didn't he?" Leyland said.

It is hard to imagine the Yankees losing this series if he continues to be this torrid.

Coming up just short

But what can the Tigers do? Before the game, Leyland was asked about the intimidating Yankees bats, and he said what a good manager should say: "You have to pitch aggressively, you have to go after them and you have to take your chances. I think if you try to tiptoe around them you're going to get beat."

Robertson tried to do that on the mound. And Leyland tried it on offense. In the second inning, with two men on and nobody out, he called a hit-and-run with Ordonez and Carlos Guillen. But Rodriguez missed the ball, Ordonez was thrown out easily by catcher Jorge Posada, and a few pitches later, Pudge whiffed meekly for a third strike.

The next inning, the Tigers had two more baserunners. But Placido Polanco hit into an inning-ending double play, and they came up empty.

Against the Yankees, you're only going to get so many chances -- at least if you have to outscore them. Those might have been the Tigers' best opportunities -- hop out front early, put some heat on the favorites.

Instead, it was still scoreless going into the third inning, and then the Yankees put on their little clinic and ran from ahead the rest of the way.

"I think it might have been different if we scored first," first baseman Sean Casey said.

Which was why they needed to.

A learning experience

Look, nobody said this would be easy and few people think it is even possible. But I still like the Tigers being here. I think this is for the best. If they are not good enough to win the World Series this year, let them at least face the biggest, baddest team in the biggest, baddest stadium and let the young guns feel what it is like to be washed in the spotlight. There is truly nothing like playing in Yankee Stadium, prime time, October in New York, not in the ballpark, not even on the way to the ballpark.

I took the subway. As the bodies crushed together in a sweaty mob, the conductor on the loudspeaker screamed his enthusiasm.

"Welcome to the D train, with stops at Yankee Stadium!" he crackled. Then, "Let's go Yan-kees! Let's go Yan-kees!" and he clicked his clicker several times.

Of course, he also added: "We're gong for a sweep!" But what does he know? He just runs a train. The Tigers feel like they just got hit by one.

"Tomorrow is our year," said reliever Todd Jones, looking around the locker room. "It's our whole season."

If there's any truth to this, this is crazy!

2006-10-04T10:28:00.000-04:00

Subject: Crazy!!Date: Sat, 16 Sep 2006 16:55:19 EDT
This should upset everybody: How they vote in the United Nations:Below are the actual voting records of various Arabic/Islamic States which are recorded in both the US State Department and United Nations records:
Kuwait votes against the United States 67% of the time.
Qatar votes against the United States 67% of the time.
Morocco votes against the United States 70% of the time.
United Arab Emirates votes against the U. S. 70% of the time.
Jordan votes against the United States 71% of the time.
Tunisia votes against the United States 71% of the time.
Saudi Arabia votes against the United States 73% of the time.
Yemen votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Algeria votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Oman votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Sudan votes against the United States 75% of the time.
Pakistan votes against the United States 75% of the time.
Libya votes against the United States 76% of the time.
Egypt votes against the United States 79% of the time.
Lebanon votes against the United States 80% of the time.
India votes against the United States 81% of the time.
Syria votes against the United States 84% of the time.
Mauritania votes against the United States 87% of the time.

U S Foreign Aid to those that hate us:
Egypt, for example, after voting 79% of the time against the United States, still receives $2 billion annually in US Foreign Aid.
Jordan votes 71% against the United States and receives $192,814,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.
Pakistan votes 75% against the United States receives $6,721,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.
India votes 81% against the United States receives $143,699,000 annually.
Perhaps it is time to get out of the UN and give the tax savings back to the American workers who are having to skimp and sacrifice to pay the taxes (and gasoline) ...Pass this along to every taxpaying citizen you know.
Disgusting isn't it?

It's Another Good Sports Weekend Here.

2006-10-01T23:26:00.000-04:00

I just turned off the news on TV. The crocodile tears of the sheepish fans were so deep an elderly fan fell and broke her hip. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I love it. And you idiots are having a rally on Monday? It should be for the Yankees. Blow a big assed lead into a disappointing finish. 10-8 what an embarrassment. The Totally Ignorant Guys Exerting Ridiculous Scenarios are going to blow the series in the 1st round.

Now onto the Losers In Organized National Sports. 0-4 on their way to 0-6. They actually tried to play football and led for a while. Yet they still lose.

A lowly 1-24 team beats Monkey State University. The Spurtans are going to be wanted by the losing Detroit football team.

Deadwings always suck no matter what. The ice time they should have is driving the Zambonie. Is that why Yzerman is back? The Zambonie needs work or has the towel boy quit again?

The Pissed Ons better have the girly players coach this year? Good riddance Ben Wallace. He should have talked the rest of the gangstas go with him. Hire Ron Artest he knows all about the Palace.

BRONX CHEER: Successful season ends with five-game home losing streak
BY JOHN LOWEFREE PRESS SPORTS WRITER
October 1, 2006

For the first 25 weeks of the 26-week season, the Tigers had wonderful pitching and became a playoff team.For the final week of the season, they had woeful pitching and didn't become a division champion.The downfall culminated Sunday against Kansas City when the Tigers relinquished a six-run lead after three innings, relinquished a three-run lead after seven innings -- and thus relinquished the Central Division title to Minnesota after having at least a share of first place since mid-May.The Tigers might have won the game and the division in the 11th if not for pitcher Joe Nelson's diving stop on a wild throw with a runner pulling into third. Then Nelson got out of a bases-loaded jam with one out. The Royals won in the 12th, 10-8, when they scored two runs off Kenny Rogers.If the Tigers had won Sunday, Rogers would have pitched Game 1 of the playoffs Tuesday in Detroit against Oakland. Now Nate Robertson will pitch Game 1 as the second-place Tigers enter the playoffs Tuesday night as the wild-card team at Yankee Stadium.The Tigers held the tiebreaker over the Twins, and, as it turned out, they could have won the division if they could have won one of three games from the 100-loss Royals. Instead, Kansas City produced its first three-game sweep in Detroit in 26 years.Manager Jim Leyland ("I'm very disappointed") said he expects the Tigers' league-leading pitching to reassert itself against the Yankees. But he immediately added, "If it's what we've seen the last five days, we're not going to be in long." In losing their last five games of the season at home, the Tigers allowed 43 runs and never had a starter reach the sixth inning.Sunday's pitching started to crack as soon as the Tigers scored five in the third for a 6-0 lead. Starter Jeremy Bonderman walked the leadoff hitter in the fourth -- a no-no, especially with a lead -- and the Royals were on the way to a three-run inning.With two out in the fifth, Bonderman just missed strike three on an 0-2 pitch to Esteban German, then got knocked out by German's full-count RBI double that made it 6-4. Bonderman lamented throwing a breaking ball for that double. (Seven innings later, German singled in the one-out winner off Rogers in the hushed park.)Joel Zumaya, in his earliest entrance of the season, replaced Bonderman and blanked Kansas City into the seventh. Fernando Rodney began the eighth with a 7-4 lead, but asked for trouble when he hit the first batter and walked the next. Soon, Kansas City was within a run with men at first and second and one out.Todd Jones took over for a rare eighth-inning appearance and immediately got a grounder, but third baseman Brandon Inge threw wildly to second and the tying run scored. With two out, David DeJesus fought off a pair of two-strike pitches, then got the go-ahead infield single. Matt Stairs tied it with a pinch homer in the Tigers' eighth.When Tigers pinch runner Brent Clevlen sped to third on Carlos Guillen's one-out single in the 11th, rightfielder Mitch Maier threw wildly to third. Clevlen said the ball was headed for an opening into the dugout. If it went in the dugout, Clevlen would have been awarded home, and the Tigers would have won. But Nelson, backing up the play, made his diving stop to keep Clevlen at third.Then Inge (after a long foul) and Curtis Granderson struck out.Inge's at-bat represented the third time on the day a Tigers problem from past years surfaced -- inability to get the runner home from third with fewer than two out.Disappointment at missing the division title filled the clubhouse, from Bonderman ("I deserve that loss") to Rogers ("extremely disappointing") to Inge ("If we didn't win one out of three, we didn't deserve to win it.").You never could have guessed the Tigers had just finished their most successful regular season in 19 years.

Lions come up short in Martz's return to St. Louis
By JIM SALTERAssociated Press Writer
October 1, 2006
ST. LOUIS -- Maybe the Rams merely needed their old ringmaster back in the building to resemble "The Greatest Show on Turf." In a shootout befitting Mike Martz's return to St. Louis, Isaac Bruce caught a 5-yard touchdown pass with 1:56 to play as the Rams rallied to beat Detroit 41-34 on Sunday. Trailing 34-33 with 4:42 to play, the Rams (3-1) got the ball and marched 56 yards in seven plays, scoring when Marc Bulger threw to Bruce, who wriggled into the end zone for his first touchdown of the season. Bulger and Bruce then connected on a 2-point conversion.Lions quarterback Jon Kitna was intercepted on the first play after the Rams' score, but the Lions got the ball back with 47 seconds to play after Jeff Wilkins missed a 47-yard field goal try.Detroit drove to the St. Louis 37, then appeared to get a break when Rams rookie Ty Hill was called for interference against Az-Zahir Hakim in the end zone with 22 seconds left. But after a huddle, the officials reversed the call because the ball was tipped, and Kitna's fourth-down pass sailed out of the end zone.Bulger was 26-of-42 for 328 yards and three touchdowns. Torry Holt had six catches for 102 yards and a touchdown and Bruce caught seven passes for 100 yards and a score.
Detroit (0-4) has made steady progress on offense under Martz, who took the offense after being fired in St. Louis, where he was head coach for six seasons. After scoring 13 points in their first two games, the Lions have scored 58 in their last two.Kitna was 29-of-43 for 280 yards, two touchdowns and two interceptions.Mike Furrey and Kevin Jones scored two touchdowns each for the Lions. Furrey, a former Ram, caught two touchdown passes from Kitna in the second quarter. Jones rushed for 93 yards on 19 carries, including 35- and 7-yard scoring runs in the second half. Roy Williams caught nine passes for 139 yards, his second straight game going over 100 yards.The Rams went into halftime down 17-16, then retook the lead on their first drive of the second half, with Bulger connecting with Holt on a 16-yard touchdown pass. A 65-yard kickoff return by Eddie Drummond set up a 20-yard field goal by Jason Hanson, and Detroit went up 27-23 with 4:23 to go in the third quarter when Jones converted a third-and-1 run into a 35-yard score.The Rams rallied again, aided by a 48-yard pass interference on Jamar Fletcher that gave St. Louis a first-and-goal at the 5, setting up Stephen Jackson's 1-yard touchdown run to make it 30-27. Jackson ran for 81 yards on 22 carries. Detroit responded with a 10-play, 71-yard drive that ended with Jones' 7-yard run on a draw play with 11:11 to play. Jeff Wilkins' fourth field goal, a 47-yarder cut the margin to 34-33 with 6:16 to play.
NOTES: The Lions announced that their game Oct. 8 at Minnesota will be moved to Monday night, Oct. 9, if the AL divisional series between Minnesota and Oakland goes to a fifth game, which would be played Sunday. ... Rams Pro Bowl left tackle Orlando Pace, still feeling the effects of a concussion suffered in Week 2 in San Francisco, was inactive. Todd Steussie replaced Pace at tackle and Adam Goldberg replaced Steussie at left guard.

Those Muslim bastards are at it again

2006-09-28T15:59:00.000-04:00

Iraq terrorist calls scientists to jihad
By PATRICK QUINN, Associated Press Writer1 hour, 29 minutes ago
In a new audio message Thursday, the leader of al-Qaida in Iraq called for explosives experts and nuclear scientists to join his group's holy war against the West. "We are in dire need of you," said the man, who identified himself as Abu Hamza al-Muhajir — also known as Abu Ayyub al-Masri — the leader of al-Qaida in Iraq.
"The field of jihad (holy war) can satisfy your scientific ambitions, and the large American bases (in Iraq) are good places to test your unconventional weapons, whether biological or dirty, as they call them."
He also said that more than 4,000 foreign militants have been killed in Iraq since the U.S.-led invasion in 2003 — the first apparent acknowledgment from the insurgents about their losses.
It was unclear why al-Masri would advertise the loss of the group's foreign fighters, but martyrdom is revered among Islamic fundamentalists, and could be used as a recruiting tool. The Arabic word he used, "muhajer," indicated he was speaking about foreigners who joined the insurgency in Iraq, not coalition troops.
"The blood has been spilled in Iraq of more than 4,000 foreigners who came to fight," al-Masri purportedly said on the 20-minute tape. The voice could not be independently identified.
The statement followed the release of a U.N. report Wednesday that said fewer foreign fighters have been killed or captured in Iraq in the last few months, "suggesting that the flow has slackened." The report, which cited several intelligence and security agencies, also said some fighters had expressed dissatisfaction they were asked to kill fellow Muslims rather than Western soldiers and that the only role for them was to be suicide bombers.
Analysts said al-Masri's statement appeared aimed at burnishing the group's image.
"It's showing the level of dedication to their cause, the level of sacrifice jihadists are making. ... It's almost showing a sense of strength and purpose to other people around world who might be thinking about joining the fight," said Ben N. Venzke, director of IntelCenter, a U.S.-based group that provides counterterrorism information to the U.S. government and media.
In the audio message, al-Masri also offered amnesty to Iraqis who cooperated with their country's "occupiers," calling on them to "return to your religion and nation" during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which Sunnis began observing in Iraq on Saturday and Shiites on Monday.
"We will not attack you as long as you declare your true repentance in front of your tribe and relatives," he said. "The amnesty ends by the end of this holy month."
He urged insurgents to capture Westerners so they could be traded for the imprisoned Egyptian sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman, who was convicted in 1995 of conspiring to blow up New York landmarks.
"I appeal to every holy warrior in the land of Iraq to exert all efforts in this holy month so that God may enable us to capture some of the Western dogs to swap them with our sheik and get him out of his dark prison," the voice on the tape said.
Al-Masri, a Sunni Muslim, is believed to have succeeded Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, who died in a U.S. airstrike north of Baghdad in June.
Al-Masri appeared last week in a Web video apparently killing a Turkish hostage in Iraq. The video, initially released in 2004, was believed to be the first of al-Masri to be released since he took control of the militant group.
Thursday's audio recording appeared on a Web site that frequently airs al-Qaida tapes and messages. A banner posted there Wednesday said al-Qaida No. 2 Ayman al-Zawahri would soon release a new message about the pope, President Bush and Sudan's troubled Darfur region.

FOR SALE CHEAP

2006-09-28T13:45:00.000-04:00

Slave Descendants Want Companies To Pay Up
Group Wants Reparations Case Revived

CHICAGO -- Lawyers for slave descendants asked a federal appeals court Wednesday to revive a landmark reparations case that demands 17 of the nation's insurers and banks publicize and pay for their roles in the country's slave trade.

The case, which names Wall Street behemoths JP Morgan Chase & Co., Aetna Inc., Bank of America, Lehman Brothers and others, says the companies' predecessors issued loans to slave owners and, in some cases, owned, insured and transported slaves -- - all at a financial profit that helped ensure their success today.

"We were left in poverty. My family's hardship and free labor was not in vain," said Antoinette Harrell, a genealogist from Kentwood, La. who clutched raw cotton as she spoke inside federal court Wednesday.

But lawyers for the companies told a panel of judges at the 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Chicago that the case is without merit and the corporations did nothing to harm the current-day descendants.

"These are inherently speculative claims," lawyer Owen Pell said.

The three-judge panel seemed to agree.

"If you think you've been wronged, it shouldn't take 100 years to investigate the conduct of Aetna, Lehman Brothers and the like," Circuit Judge Richard Posner said. "There are a lot of people living today whose parents were wealthy in the 19th century who have nothing."

The case made its way to the appeals court after the lawsuit was dismissed last summer by a federal judge, who said the debate about reparations should be decided by the legislative or executive branch.

If the reparations advocates succeed, the companies will have to account for the income they earned from slavery, produce historical records and give up the profits earned from slavery. The damage awards would be used to create a court-supervised fund to help fix problems in the black community.

Wednesday's hearing comes at a pivotal time for the reparations movement.

This summer, the Moravian Church and the Episcopal Church apologized for their roles in the slave trade and a North Carolina commission urged the state to repay descendants of a violent 1898 white supremacist campaign in Wilmington, N.C.

And corporations have begun to acknowledge their ties to slavery, in part because of a series of state laws requiring companies to do so. Several cities -- including Chicago, Detroit and Oakland -- also have laws requiring businesses to make such disclosures.

JP Morgan Chase has acknowledged it owned 1,200 slaves in Louisiana and accepted 13,000 others as collateral before slavery was abolished in 1865.

Lawyers pushing for the compensation said Wednesday the current day "market value" of the company-owned slaves would be at least $850 million.

The company has since apologized for its role in slavery and funded a $5 million college scholarship program for black students from Louisiana. Company spokesman Tom Kelly declined to comment on the litigation.

It's getting like L.A. around here

2006-09-28T13:05:00.000-04:00

Police Chase Prompts School Lockdown, Ramp Closure
POSTED: 11:54 am EDT September 28, 2006
UPDATED: 12:56 pm EDT September 28, 2006
An attempted purse snatching at a Farmer Jack grocery store at 10 Mile Road and Coolidge Highway in Oak Park prompted a police chase.
The chase caused a rollover crash that closed the eastbound Interstate 696 ramp to Interstate 75.
Police are searching for a white man, between the ages of 25 and 35 years old. He is wearing a green sweat shirt, black sweat pants and a baseball cap.
Several schools in Hazel Park school district are on lockdown as police search for the suspect. Police suggested a lockdown of Webb/Jardon Elementary and special education, Webster Elementary, Roosevelt Early Childhood Center and Edison Max Special Education.

Picked the wrong mutha fucka

2006-09-28T12:55:00.000-04:00

Police: Off-Duty Officer Fired Shots At Gunman
Gunman In Critical Condition
POSTED: 11:09 am EDT September 28, 2006
Shots were fired as a gunman approached an off-duty officer on Detroit's eastside.
Local 4 learned that the officer was getting into his vehicle on Yorkshire Street when a dark green sedan with two men inside drove up.
One man got out of the sedan, and with a gun, knocked on the officer's window, according to police.
The officer shot the man through the window of the car several times, hitting the man in the groin and abdomen areas, according to reports.
The driver of the sedan drove off, but police caught up with him a short time later. He is custody.
The man who was shot is listed in critical condition.

Crying Kids Pray Over George Bush At Jesus Camp

2006-09-27T22:03:00.000-04:00

Crying Kids Pray Over George Bush At Jesus Camp
Film Documents Children’s' Summer At 'Jesus Camp'
POSTED: 9:08 am EDT September 26, 2006
LOS ANGELES -- The new documentary "Jesus Camp" is shocking Christians and non-Christians alike with its scenes of children sobbing and crying out to God at a Pentecostal summer camp in North Dakota.
The film follows Midwestern children Rachael, now 10, Levi, now 13, and Tory, now 11, who attended Fischer's Bible camp in Devils Lake, N.D., in 2005, according to the Los Angeles Times.
Filmmaker Heidi Ewing said she was raised Catholic and her co-director, Rachel Grady, is Jewish, enabling them to present what they hope is a neutral view of Pastor Becky Fischer's "Kids on Fire" program.
Grady said Fischer let them make the documentary in hopes of reaching unsaved people.
In the film, the children cheered when asked if they'd be willing to give up their lives for Jesus, prayed over a cardboard cutout of President George W. Bush and cried as they pleaded for an end to abortion, the Los Angeles Times reported. The paper said that one of the children is home-schooled by a mother who teaches that "science doesn't prove anything."
Ewing said the children explained that they wept because God's heart is broken over a lost and sinful world. But she added that the children didn't seem unhappy -- just more intense than the average American child. Grady said all of the kids plan to become missionaries.
Some critics have labeled the camp a frightening example of brainwashing and child abuse.
"This is war! Are you part of it or not?," Fischer shouted at the children during the film.
Fischer proudly compared her Bible camp to indoctrination of young boys by extremist Muslims.
"If you look at the world's population, one third of that 6.7 billion people are children under the age of 15," Fischer said. "Where should we be putting our efforts? Where should we be putting our focus? I'll tell you where our enemies are putting it. They're putting it on the kids. They're going into the schools."
Fischer went on to say that Muslims in other countries are taking their kids to camps like "we take our kids" to bible camps. She said Muslims are teaching their kids to use rifles, how to put on bomb belts and to use machine guns.
"It's no wonder with that kind of intense training in discipline that those young people are ready to kill themselves for the cause of Islam," Fischer said.
"I want to see young people who are as committed to the cause of Jesus Christ as the young people are to the cause of Islam. I want to see them as radically laying down their lives for the gospel as they are over in Pakistan and in Israel and Palestine and all those different places. Because we have, excuse me, but we have the truth."
The filmmakers told the Times that they want the film to "make a broad statement about how politics and faith have become inexorably intertwined in America."
Fischer said that she plans to help promote the movie and that she is grateful for the national attention she's gotten from the movie and its controversy.
"I couldn't have paid for this kind of advertising," she said.
In the About Film section of the movie's Web site, it describes the movie as follows:
A growing number of Evangelical Christians believe there is a revival underway in America that requires Christian youth to assume leadership roles in advocating the causes of their religious movement. Jesus Camp follows a group of young children to Pastor Becky Fischer's "Kids on Fire Summer Camp", where kids are taught to become dedicated Christian soldiers in God's army and are schooled in how to take back America for Christ. The film is a first-ever look into an intense training ground that recruits born-again Christian children to become an active part of America's political future.
"Jesus Camp" is already open in New York and will open in 20 more cities across the United States Oct. 6.

Something to offend almost everyone

2006-09-27T21:55:00.000-04:00

Q. What's the Cuban national anthem? A. Row,Row,Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby? A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment.

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast? A. They're hiring.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm? A. A pimp.

Q Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage..... along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!".

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." a southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

Won't they SHUT THE FUCK UP

2006-09-26T16:01:00.000-04:00

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about.

A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand. I can hear it now...

A weatherman in Houston says...

"Wazzup, Mutha-fukkas! Hehr-Eye-Cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chillen', yo' Ho, leave yo' crib, and head fo' de nearest guvunent office fo yo FREE shiiiit!"

These niggers take their kids on a robbery.

2006-09-26T05:38:00.000-04:00

http://www.tooshocking.com/index.php?ns=view_vid&id=1914

Good it pissed em' off

2006-09-25T15:44:00.000-04:00

Car Dealership Draws Fire For 'Jihad' Ad
Ad Says Cars 'Comfortably Seat 12 Jihadists'
POSTED: 10:34 am EDT September 25, 2006
COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A car dealership's tongue-in-cheek radio advertisement declaring "a jihad on the automotive market," will not be changed, the company said, despite drawing sharp criticism that the ad's content is offensive.
Several stations rejected the spot from Dennis Mitsubishi, which boasts that sales representatives wearing "burqas" -- head-to-toe traditional dress for Islamic women -- will sell vehicles that can "comfortably seat 12 jihadists in the back."
"We firmly believe the ad does not in any way disrespect any religion or culture, but we feel, I guess, that maybe poking a little fun at radical extremists is fair game," dealership president Keith Dennis said on Saturday. "It was our intention to craft something around some of the buzzwords of the day and give everyone a good chuckle and be a little bit of a tension reliever."
While Dennis defended the ad as a harmless attempt to bring levity to a serious situation, the Columbus chapter of the Council on American-Islamic Relations decried it as disrespectful.
"Using that as a promotional pitch when so many are dying from the criminal activity of suicide bombers, that's not funny," chapter president Asma Mobin-Uddin said. "I don't think it's appropriate when it causes real pain. It exploits or promotes misunderstanding in terms already misunderstood or misused."
In the ad, Dennis talks about "launching a jihad on the automotive market" and giving away toy swords to children.
"Our prices are lower than the evildoers' every day. Just ask the pope!" the ad says. "Friday is fatwa Friday, with free rubber swords for the kiddies."
A fatwa is a religious edict.
Some radio stations are balking at the dealership's attempt to poke fun at extremists, though.
"With no disrespect to their creativity or their desire to build business, everything we're about is promoting the values of diversity. To air things of that sort would go against our mission statement," said Jeff Wilson, general manager of three Radio One stations in Columbus.
The dealership claims nothing in the ad is intended to promote a negative stereotype of Islam. A group that previewed the ad didn't raise any objections, although no one from the group was Islamic, Dennis said.
Radio executives who heard the ad last week thought it was funny and aggressive, dealership general manager Aaron Masterson said.
"This is one where we feel we're taking a bull's-eye on terrorists," Masterson said. "After all the nonsense that the terrorists put the public through, they're fair game."
The ad, written and produced by the company, will begin airing next week, although he was uncertain of which radio stations had accepted the spot, Dennis aid.

Losers In Organized National Sports 0 and 3

2006-09-25T15:41:00.000-04:00

WEEK 3 | GREEN BAY 31, DETROIT 24: Fail Mary
In a battle of the beaten, Packers' prayers answered Lions can't stop Favre, fall to 0-3
BY NICHOLAS J. COTSONIKA
FREE PRESS SPORTS WRITER
September 25, 2006

In the final seconds Sunday, Jon Kitna heaved a Hail Mary from midfield. A couple of Lions leapt into the air with a couple of Packers in the left side of the end zone. The ball bounced around, Az-Zahir Hakim dove for it and ...
It hit the turf. Game over. Green Bay 31, Detroit 24.
Perhaps it was poetic justice.
"They found a way to get the win at the end," Lions cornerback Dre' Bly said. "I guess they deserved it more than us."
Victory remains out of reach for the 0-3 Lions because they can't put a complete game together.
In the opener against Seattle, the defense was dominant but the offense struggled. The Lions lost, 9-6. In the next game at Chicago, turnovers and penalties were the main problems as things snowballed. The Lions lost, 34-7.
This time, the offense showed significant improvement -- though it failed to make the critical play with the game on the line -- while the defense couldn't stop Brett Favre.
"I'm never pleased with losing, but the progress we made offensively was very encouraging," Lions coach Rod Marinelli said. "We've got to get better on defense."
Against Green Bay, which was coming off two losses at Lambeau Field, the Lions were supposed to win if they got these kind of numbers from their offensive leaders:
Kitna went 25-for-40 for 342 yards and two touchdowns. He threw an interception, his first of the season, and it was returned for a TD. But the ball was deflected, and Kitna felt cornerback Ahmad Carroll should have been called for pass interference.
Running back Kevin Jones, who rushed for 79 yards in the first two games combined, rushed for 81 yards and a touchdown on 17 carries. He also caught five passes for 44 yards.
Wide receiver Roy Williams caught seven passes for 138 yards and a touchdown.
"We realized we can score and we can really move the football," Williams said. "It hit home with a lot of guys."
But while the defense held the Packers' running game in check -- Ahman Green had 63 yards on 22 carries -- it made Favre, 36, look like he was in his prime instead of on the verge of retirement.
The Lions didn't register a sack for the second straight game, even though the Packers played with two rookie guards. When Favre was pressured, he made plays on the move.
Favre finished 25-for-36 for 340 yards and three touchdowns against a Detroit secondary missing half its starters. Safety Kenoy Kennedy was out with a foot injury. Cornerback Fernando Bryant was absent because of a personal issue.
Green caught eight passes for 68 yards and a TD. Wide receiver Greg Jennings, the rookie out of Western Michigan, caught three passes for 101 yards, including a 75-yard TD, the 400th TD pass of Favre's career.
The Packers were 7-for-15 on third down.
"It's very tough," Bly said. "We're better than we played the last two weeks. We have a very talented defense."
The Lions faced a three-point deficit when they forced the Packers to punt late in the third quarter. But Keith Smith was called for an illegal block above the waist on the return. That put the Lions on their 2.
Three-and-out. Punt. The Packers got the ball at the Detroit 43. Four plays later, Favre hit Green for a 10-yard touchdown, and it was 31-21 with 12:19 to go.
The Lions drove to the Green Bay 22 later in the fourth quarter. On third-and-three, wide receiver Mike Furrey was open for a would-be touchdown, but Kitna threw it a little behind him, and the Lions had to settle for a field goal.
With 54 seconds left, linebacker LeVar Woods forced Green to fumble, and cornerback Jamar Fletcher recovered it. The Lions had a chance -- with the ball at the Detroit 32. But they couldn't do anything with it. The Packers were able to put pressure on Kitna with a three-man rush.
"It's disappointing," Marinelli said. "The guys got to block."
After Kitna's Hail Mary went unanswered, Williams pointed out that the Lions had kept competing while the Ford Field stands were emptying.
"The attitude has been a lot different this year than last year," Williams said. "We're 0-3. Guys aren't hanging their heads, guys aren't giving up, guys want to fight, because they know what kind of talent that we have and know what kind of fight that we have in each other. Sooner or later, it's going to turn around."

FEMA stands for.....

2006-09-20T18:51:00.000-04:00

Will Our Homeboy Ever Find Long Lasting Love?

2006-09-20T03:51:00.000-04:00

Eminem's Divorce Proceedings Underway
POSTED: 10:50 am EDT September 19, 2006
UPDATED: 11:09 am EDT September 19, 2006
Grammy and Oscar-winning rapper Eminem continued divorce proceedings with his wife, Kimberley Mathers, in an hour-long private hearing Tuesday.
Macomb County Circuit Judge Antonio Viviano told reporters after the hearing that the case was being referred to a mediator.
Lawyers for Eminem and Kimberley Mathers said a date for mediation hasn't been set.
Eminem's lawyer Harvey Hauer and Kimberley Mathers' lawyer Michael J. Smith said they hope the case will be settled amicably.
Kimberley Mathers declined comment on her way out of the courthouse.
Eminem, whose real name is Marshall Bruce Mathers III, filed for divorce April 5, 82 days after the couple remarried.
The rapper remarried Kimberley Mathers in Rochester on Jan. 14, a month after the couple announced they were getting back together.
Their first marriage lasted from 1999 to 2001.

WEIRD NEWS

2006-09-20T02:55:00.000-04:00

Man Jailed For Putting Urine In Coffee At Work
Co-Workers Say Man Put Urine In Coffee Pot For Several Months
UPDATED: 7:18 am EDT September 19, 2006
AKRON, Ohio -- There will be no trial for an Ohio postal worker accused of urinating in his co-workers' coffee.
Thomas Shaheen admitted Monday that he put urine in the break room coffee pot at the Wolf Ledges, Ohio, post office branch earlier this year. Shaheen was sentenced to six months in a jail work release program.
He was also ordered to pay his co-workers $1,200 to reimburse them for the video camera they rented to help capture him in the act.
Shaheen told his former co-workers during his sentencing that he was sorry for what he did.
"I just wanted to tell you I'm really sorry," said Shaheen. "I don't know what came over me. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. I'm really sorry, I just want to get my life over, get my life going again."
But before he apologized and was sentenced, some of the postal employees he worked with at the transportation maintenance shop gave Shaheen a piece of their minds.
"He not only watched us drink the coffee but the majority of the shop, his own friends and fellow workers, about 20 of us all together, he would sit in the same room with people and watch them drink his sick little brew and think nothing of it," said postal worker Jene Jackson.
Postal workers said Shaheen poured urine in the coffee pot several times in a four- to six-month period. Employees said Shaheen was jealous of some of his peers who had certain work privileges.
"Some guys would go out in the morning and deliver trucks out to the stations, which a lot of guys would prefer doing that, and then he would stay and he would get upset about that," said one worker.
Former co-worker Jim Jackson said, "Everybody's got their own idea on the matter, it was a pretty disgusting ordeal, but it's done. I do feel for his family, we didn't deserve it and his family definitely didn't deserve what he's put them through."

Doctors Report Successful Penis Transplant(hey doc my horse just died and I was wondering)
POSTED: 12:39 pm EDT September 19, 2006
Chinese doctors said they successfully transplanted a penis on a man who lost his own in an accident, but had to remove it two weeks later because of psychological problems experienced by the man and his wife.
The case appears to be the first such transplant reported in a medical journal -- European Urology, published by the European Association of Urology.
The Chinese doctors could not be reached for comment, and their report does not explain how the 44-year-old man lost his penis. It says only that "an unfortunate traumatic accident" left him with a small stump, unable to urinate or have sex normally.
Surgeons led by Dr. Hu Weilie at Guangzhou General Hospital performed the transplant in September 2005, a hospital spokesperson said Tuesday. The penis came from a 22-year-old brain-dead man whose parents agreed to donate his organ.
"There was a strong demand from both the patient and his wife" for a transplant, and the operation "was discussed again and again" and approved by the hospital's ethics committee, Hu writes in the journal.
Despite how shocking and radical the operation sounds, it involves standard microsurgery techniques to reconnect blood vessels and nerves.
From a medical point of view, "the main hurdle is the functional recovery," said Dr. W.P. Andrew Lee, chief of plastic surgery at the University Of Pittsburgh Medical Center.
From arm and leg reattachments, it's known that nerve regrowth occurs at a rate of about an inch a month and often is insufficient to allow normal use, he said.
However, the ethical and psychological challenges in such cases can be even more paramount, as this and other recent transplants involving hands and faces illustrate.
"Some of the considerations for a penile transplant are the same as for a hand or face transplant," such as the need to take lifelong immune-suppressing drugs to prevent rejection of the new organ, Lee said.
The drugs can cause kidney and other damage, acceptable risks when the transplant involves a vital organ such as a liver or heart, but more ethically perilous when the operation is aimed at improving quality of life rather than extending it, Dr. Yoram Vardi, a neurology and urology specialist at the Rambam Medical Center in Haifa, Israel, writes in an accompanying commentary in the urology journal.
Psychological issues are keenly important. The world's first hand transplant recipient stopped taking immune suppression drugs and later requested that the hand be amputated.
Lee recalled speaking with the recipient of the world's first double-hand transplant in France, who told him it took months for him to accept his new hands and stop referring to one as "it."
Fourteen days after the penis transplant, the recipient and his wife requested that the organ be removed "because of the wife's psychological rejection as well as the swollen shape of the transplanted penis," the surgeons report in the journal.
Lab examination showed no sign of rejection, the doctor’s report.
If adequate attention had been paid to the need for counseling and other psychological concerns surrounding the transplant, "the need for penile amputation could probably have been avoided," Vardi wrote in his commentary.

Teacher's X-Rated Font Surprises Parents
Kinky Font Used On Open House Handouts
POSTED: 1:30 pm EDT September 19, 2006
MONROE, N.Y. -- It wasn't as easy as ABC.
In fact, these ABC's are leaving some parents uneasy.
School officials in upstate New York are apologizing for an X-rated type style that was used on a third-grade spelling packet. The font showed male and female stick figures in provocative poses to form the letters of the alphabet.
Parents at Pine Tree Elementary School in Orange County got the spelling packet at an open house. Administrators said the veteran teacher didn't use the font on purpose.
The design of the font was so subtle that school officials and many parents missed it, according to the Record Online. Many parents didn't know about the kinky font until they received a letter of apology from school Principal Jean Maxson.
"This packet was reviewed by a number of people, including myself," Maxson wrote. "I take full responsibility for this inappropriate publication."
"It was very unintentional. No one did this on purpose," Superintendent Joseph DiLorenzo said, according to the Journal. "It was missed. It was a mistake."
Monroe is about 45 miles northwest of New York City.

HOMELAND INSECURITY

2006-09-20T02:52:00.000-04:00

Al-Qaida warns Muslims: Time to get out of U.S.Afghan terror commander hints at big attack on N.Y., Washington
Posted: September 17, 20061:00 a.m. Eastern

The new al-Qaida field commander in Afghanistan is calling for Muslims to leave the U.S. – particularly Washington and New York – in anticipation of a major terror attack to rival Sept. 11, according to an interview by a Pakistani journalist.
Abu Dawood told Hamid Mir, a reporter who has covered al-Qaida and met with Osama bin Laden, the attack is being coordinated by Adnan el-Shukrijumah and suggests it may involve some form of weapon of mass destruction smuggled across the Mexican border.
"Our brothers are ready to attack inside America. We will breach their security again," he is quoted as saying. "There is no timeframe for our attack inside America; we can do it any time."
As WND has previously reported, el-Shukrijumah is a trained nuclear technician and accomplished pilot who has been singled out by bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri to serve as the field commander for the next terrorist attack on U.S. soil.
The terrorist was last seen in Mexico, where, on Nov. 1, 2004, he allegedly hijacked a Piper PA Pawnee crop duster from Ejido Queretaro near Mexicali to transport a nuclear weapon and nuclear equipment into the U.S., according to Paul Williams, a former FBI consultant and author of "The Dunces of Doomsday."
"He is an American and a friend of Muhammad Atta, who led 9/11 attacks five years ago," said Dawood. "We call him 'Jaffer al Tayyar' (Jafer the Pilot); he is very brave and intelligent. (President) Bush is aware that brother Adnan has smuggled deadly materials inside America from the Mexican border. Bush is silent about him, because he doesn’t want to panic his people. Sheikh Osama bin Laden has completed his cycle of warnings. You know, he is man of his words, he is not a politician; he always does what he says. If he said it many times that Americans will see new attacks, they will definitely see new attacks. He is a real mujahid. Americans will not win this war, which they have started against Muslims. Americans are the biggest supporters of the biggest terrorist in the world, which is Israel."
Dawood said he was currently conducting operations in Afghanistan under the leadership of the Taliban. He warned of a series of upcoming suicide bombings there directed against government and coalition forces during Ramadan.
He is also quoted as saying the next attack in America will not be conducted by people like Atta.
"We have a different plan for the next attack," he told Mir. "You will see. Americans will hardly find out any Muslim names, after the next attack. Most of our brothers are living in Western countries, with Jewish and Christian names, with passports of Western countries. This time, someone with the name of Mohamed Atta will not attack inside America, it would be some David, Richard or Peter."
He said there will be another audio message from bin Laden aired within the next two weeks.
Mir reportedly interviewed Dawood Sept. 12 at the tomb of Sultan Mehmud Ghaznawi on the outskirts of Kabul. Dawood and the al-Qaida leaders who accompanied him were clean-shaven and dressed as Western reporters. The al-Qaida commander had contacted Mir by cell phone to arrange the meeting.
"You have witnessed the brutality of the Israelis in the recent 34-day war against Lebanese civilians," said Dawood. "9/11 was a revenge of Palestinian children, killed by the U.S.-made weapons, supplied to Israel. The next attack on America would be a revenge of Lebanese children killed by U.S.-made cluster bombs. Bush and (British Prime Minister Tony) Blair are the Crusaders, and Muslim leaders, like (Pakistani President Pervez) Musharraf and (Afghani President Hamid) Karzai are their collaborators. We will teach a lesson to all of them."
El-Shukrijumah was born in Guyana Aug. 4, 1975 – the firstborn of Gulshair el-Shukrijumah, a 44-year-old radical Muslim cleric, and his 16-year-old wife. In 1985, Gulshair migrated to the United States, where he assumed duties as the imam of the Farouq Mosque in Brooklyn.
The mosque, located at 554 Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn, has served as a hive for terrorist activities. It has raised millions for the jihad and has served as a recruiting station for al-Qaida. Many of the planners of the 1993 attack on the World Trade Center, including blind Sheikh Omar Abdel Rahman, were prominent members of this notorious "house of worship."
In 1995, the Shukrijumah family relocated to Miramar, Fla., where Gulshair became the spiritual leader of the radical Masjid al-Hijah Mosque, and where Adnan became friends with Jose Padilla, who planned to detonate a radiological bomb in midtown Manhattan; Mandhai Jokhan, who was convicted of attempting to blow up nuclear power plants in southern Florida; and a group of other home-grown terrorists.
Adnan Shukrijumah attended flight schools in Florida and Norman, Oklahoma, along with Mohammad Atta and the other 9/11 operatives, and he became a highly skilled commercial jet pilot, although he, like Atta and the other terrorists, never applied for a license with the Federal Aviation Commission.
In April 2001, Shukrijumah spent 10 days in Panama, where he reportedly met with al-Qaida officials to assist in the planning of 9/11. He also traveled to Trinidad and Guyana, where virulent al-Qaida cells have been established. The following month, he obtained an associate's degree in computer engineering from Broward Community College.
During this time, he managed to get passports from Guyana, Trinidad, Saudi Arabia, Canada and the United States, according to Williams. He also began to adopt a number of aliases, including Abu Arifi, Jafar al-Tayyar, Jaafar At Yayyar, Ja'far al-Tayar, and Mohammed Sher Mohammed Khan (the name that appeared on his official FBI file). He traveled to Saudi Arabia and Pakistan, where he met with Ramzi Binalshibh, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, and other members of the al-Qaida high command. He also spent considerable time within al-Qaida camps in Afghanistan, where he received training in explosives and special operations.
Following 9/11, el-Shukrijumah was reportedly singled out by bin Laden and al-Zawahiri to spearhead the next great attack on America. One plan was for a nuclear attack that would take place simultaneously in seven U.S. cities, leaving millions dead and the richest and most powerful nation on earth in ashes.
"Muslims should leave America," said Dawood. "We cannot stop our attack just because of the American Muslims; they must realize that American forces are killing innocent Muslims in Afghanistan and Iraq; we have the right to respond back, in the same manner, in the enemy's homeland. The American Muslims are like a human shield for our enemy; they must leave New York and Washington."
Mir, the journalist, has reported previously that al-Qaida has smuggled nuclear weapons and uranium into the U.S.
"I am saying that Muslims must leave America, but we can attack America anytime," he said. "Our cycle of warnings has been completed, now we have fresh edicts from some prominent Muslim scholars to destroy our enemy, this is our defending of Jihad; the enemy has entered in our homes and we have the right to enter in their homes, they are killing us, we will kill them."

Aah It's Getting To Be Good Days In Detroit Sports.

2006-09-20T02:38:00.000-04:00

Wings lose exhibition opener, 3-2

ST. PAUL, Minn. -- Marian Gaborik scored twice, including the winning goal 5:28 into the third period, and the Minnesota Wild beat the Detroit Red Wings 3-2 Tuesday in the preseason opener for both teams.With a two-man advantage, Gaborik tried to center the puck from the bottom of the right circle, but the puck deflected off a defender's skate past goaltender Stefan Liv.Playing the first of nine preseason games, Detroit was without many of its big-name players, including Pavel Datsyuk, Nicklas Lidstrom, Jason Williams and Henrik Zetterberg. With most of its regular-season roster set, Minnesota played its top players in the first of its six exhibition contests.Gaborik, who signed a three-year, $19 million contract in July, put Minnesota on the board 32 seconds into the game when his slap shot from atop the left circle went between the pads of Joey MacDonald. Pavol Demitra scored at 1:35 on the power play, tucking home a rebound of Kurtis Foster's shot to give the Wild a 2-0 lead.Johan Franzen scored late in the first period for Detroit, and Boyd Devereaux added a goal on a rebound during a two-man advantage midway through the second period to tie it 2-2.MacDonald finished with 11 saves in two periods. Liv stopped seven third-period shots.Manny Fernandez went the distance for Minnesota, making 23 saves.Minnesota was 2-for-11 on the power play; Detroit 1-for-9.

Detroit's Lead Shrinks To Half-Game Over Twins (from 8 1/2 to 1/2 games up)

Chicago, IL - Freddy Garcia pitched his second straight incredible game, allowing a run over eight innings, and A.J. Pierzynski belted a grand slam, as the Chicago White Sox blanked the first-place Detroit Tigers, 7-0, at U.S. Cellular Field.
Detroit's lead in the AL Central fell to one-half game over Minnesota, which beat Boston, 7-3, Tuesday night.
The White Sox rebounded from an 8-2 loss Monday in the opener of the three- game set by limiting the Tigers to two hits. Chicago remained 4 1/2 games behind Minnesota for the wild card spot.
The Tigers and White Sox have 11 games remaining, while the Twins have 12.
Garcia (15-9), who carried a perfect game into the eighth inning in his previous start against the Angels last Wednesday, walked two and struck out five en route to his fourth victory in five decisions. He improved to 15-5 lifetime against the Tigers, including 4-0 this season.
"Freddy has had a lot of success against Detroit," White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said. "He's been outstanding his last two starts. I just hope we don't have to wait another week for another win."
Last Wednesday, Garcia and Neal Cotts combined on a one-hit shutout in a 9-0 final. In this game, Bobby Jenks threw the final frame to complete the two- hitter.
"He's been good against us all year," Tigers manager Jim Leyland said. "I watched his near no-hitter against the Angels last week. We had our shot early. Unfortunately for some reason we didn't take advantage of it."
Jermaine Dye and Jim Thome hit back-to-back homers and Tadahito Iguchi also went deep for the White Sox, who snapped a four-game slide.
Justin Verlander (16-9) was charged with six hits and six runs over 4 2/3 innings in defeat, as the Tigers fell for the second time in three contests.
Dye was hit by a pitch to lead off the fourth inning. Thome walked and Paul Konerko singled before Pierzynski crushed a 2-2 pitch over the wall in right- center field for the game's first runs.
Dye belted his 43rd homer of the year with two outs in the fifth and Thome followed with his 41st, a shot to left.
Iguchi led off the seventh with a homer off Chad Durbin.
Detroit's only hits were a single by Ivan Rodriguez in the first inning and a base hit by Vance Wilson in the ninth. Detroit had two runners on base with nobody out in the first, but Garcia retired Sean Casey, Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen in order to end the threat.
Game Notes
Detroit's Jeremy Bonderman faces Jon Garland in the series finale Wednesday...This was Pierzynski's fifth career slam...The White Sox have hit consecutive homers nine times this year.

Detroit Lions Fall To Chicago Bears(they took their hilarious playbook on the road so the Bear's fans could enjoy it).

Rex Grossman is doing all he can to earn the cheers and silence the doubters. Not that he really needed the confidence boost. And not that he didn't have help.
"Everything seemed to work today," Grossman said after the Chicago Bears dominated the Detroit Lions 34-7 Sunday.
Grossman had his best game as a pro, setting career highs with 289 yards and four touchdown passes, and the defense silenced Roy Williams and the Lions.
Plagued by injuries since being drafted in the first round in 2003, Grossman is healthy and producing. He completed 20 of 27 passes with no interceptions and set a career high in yards for the second straight week after throwing for 262 in a 26-0 season-opening win at Green Bay.
John Gilmore caught two short touchdown passes, including a 3-yarder just less than 5 minutes into the game. Bernard Berrian had five receptions for 89 yards, with a lunging 41-yard touchdown catch in the second quarter.
"Anytime you get a balanced attack it's got to put defensive coordinators in a bind," Grossman said. "So anytime you throw the ball and run the ball they've can't get a guess on what is coming. Play actions work even better and the draw plays work. It opens up the playbook a little bit if you can pass the ball and stretch the field. That's what we've been able to do the last couple of games."
A year ago, the Bears made a surprising run to the playoffs behind one of the stingiest defenses and a good running game. Grossman returned from an ankle injury late in the season and opened up the offense, but he struggled during the preseason and heard boos, which made no sense to Desmond Clark.
"You sit back and you're like, 'Damn, just a few months he was (hailed) and now you're booing him.' I like what he's doing. I hope he can keep it up," said Clark, who caught five passes for 85 yards and a touchdown.
The defense limited the Lions to 245 yards and recovered three fumbles. Detroit (0-2) committed 14 penalties for 104 yards.
Williams caught six passes for 71 yards after guaranteeing a win over the Bears. And he issued another guarantee afterward. "You can all run with this: We will win the (next) game," he said. "I don't care who it's against. We will win the game as long as we do what we're supposed to do. That's my comment for the whole week."
Detroit's Jon Kitna wound up 23-of-30 for 230 yards and was sacked six times.
The Lions' first possession ended on the third play when Tank Johnson sacked Kitna and jarred the ball loose. Brian Urlacher recovered at the Detroit 3, and Grossman connected with Gilmore for a touchdown.
A fumble by Kevin Jones on Detroit's second possession led to a 32-yard field goal by Robbie Gould. And the lead grew to 17-0 in the opening minute of the second quarter when Grossman found a lunging Berrian at the goal line.
"Let's be honest," said Kitna, who scored the Lions' first touchdown of the season on a 1-yard run in the third quarter. "The Bears' defense is a good defense, but, that being said, I thought it was a lot more of us than it was them. ... We caused ourselves problems." Notes: Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen, who was arrested twice in a two-week span for allegedly driving nude and on suspicion of drunken driving, was with the team after missing the opener against Seattle. ... Bears linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo started for Hunter Hillenmeyer, who sat out with a concussion.
The Lions' Rick DeMulling started at left guard for Ross Verba, who sat out with a hamstring injury.
Detroit linebacker Alex Lewis suffered a ligament injury to his knee on the game's opening possession.
Strong safeties Jon McGraw and Kenoy Kennedy suffered a concussion and foot injury, respectively.

Hey Jerkoff Don't Stand Too Close To The Curb.

2006-09-20T02:29:00.000-04:00

They may include you if you're sleeping on the trash pile like you guys love to.

Bulk Trash Pickup Begins With New Rules
POSTED: 7:37 am EDT September 19, 2006
UPDATED: 8:37 am EDT September 19, 2006
Bulk trash pickup goes back into effect in Detroit on Oct. 1.

However, there are new rules regarding it.

There will be at least four trash pickups a year. Residents can place one cubic yard of bulk in front of their homes on collection day. That's about the size of a refrigerator, according to city officials.

Bulk over a cubic yard or more than 1,000 pounds will not be picked up and the homeowner could be fined up to $10,000.

Bulk items must be at curbside by 7 a.m. on collection day, but not earlier than 6 p.m. the night before.

There is also six drop off locations:
· The Davison yard 8221 West Davison
· The Southfield yard 12255 Southfield Service drive
· 5840 Anthon
· 5580 Concord
· The State Fair yard 19715 John R
· The Waste Management transfer station 1550 Harper is closed so take it to the mansion-it's in such a condition nobody will notice.

If you have any further questions, call the city of Detroit information line at 311.

Finally the head Zambonie driver leaves

2006-09-19T13:52:00.000-04:00

What took you so long to retire? Good riddance.

I've failed enough. I quit.

I'll be in Canada if you want me.

I better retire. I come on the ice and everybody goes home.

I'll charge double for this pic.

I can't believe she would pay that much for a trash shirt.

Wait till she has to pay for this photo.

Those poor misguided children

Oh I want to stare at them so bad.

The FBI order pizza

2006-09-19T12:42:00.000-04:00

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.
Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: No fuckin' way.
*Click

Wanna see what the natives are doing?

2006-09-19T07:25:00.000-04:00

Let's get all wound up and get some spray paint and deface buildings.

Do You Mind Getting Off My F**king Head?

2006-09-17T06:55:00.000-04:00

Wanna See How Cars Are Really Made in the Motor City?

2006-09-17T06:50:00.000-04:00

Like this.

TEN COMMANDMENTS EBONICS STYLE

2006-09-15T13:17:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you have to get the message across as best we can.
Try this for those who can't understand the King James Version:

1. I'm God. Don't play me.(I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have anyother gods before me.)

2. Don't be makin no hood ornamentsand charms outta me, or like me.(Thou shalt not have any graven images)

3. Don't be callin' me for no reason(Thou shalt not use the name of theLord thy God in vain)

4. Y'all betta be in church on Sunday,and not just the Sundays whenit's Mother's day, Easterand Christmas(Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy)

5. Don't dis or cuss out yo momma...and if you know who ya daddyis, don't dis him neither.(Honor thy father and thy mother)

6. Don't be goin' on no drive bys.(Thou shalt not kill)

7. Stick to ya own Boo.(Thou shalt not commit adultery)

8. Don't be borrow'n stuff anddon't give it back.(Thou shalt not steal)!

9. Don't be snitchin' on the otha'man to save your hind parts.(Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother)

10. Don't be eyein' (skeeming) yohomie's crib, ride, woman,or nuffin.(Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother).

Now behave....I don't want to have to flood this joint again!!! God

What's left?

2006-09-13T04:36:00.000-04:00

What's left

2006-09-13T04:25:00.000-04:00

Welcome to what's left.

2006-09-12T23:57:00.000-04:00

Feed Detroit

2006-09-11T10:24:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is garbage pick up day in our neighborhood. Tonight we will fill up the garbage cans for tomorrow. 3 cans full of garbage and 30 lbs. of used sand from the kitty box is all I have to contribute. I hope the truck takes it to a needy dumping spot downtown. COBO hall has a lot of room.

Yes that will be perfect.

Yeah go ahead and party now.....

2006-09-10T23:24:00.000-04:00

but you had better keep one eye in your rear view mirror.

Hey OPEC

2006-09-10T22:51:00.000-04:00

thanx for the high cost of gas. Even the import drivers hate you oil terrorists.

No wonder you terrorists can't find a date

2006-09-10T22:25:00.000-04:00

they're all a bunch of ragheads too.

Remember This Guy?

2006-09-10T02:34:00.000-04:00

Johnny Cochran knew the truth.

I love going shopping in the summertime

2006-09-10T02:32:00.000-04:00

THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR

2006-09-10T00:59:00.000-04:00

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars. Then he insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the Lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the Lawyer stated the cigars were lost in - quote; 'a series of small fires'.
The Insurance Company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.) In delivering the ruling, the Judge agreed with the Insurance Company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the Lawyer held a policy from the Company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the Insurance Company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the Lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the quote; 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the Lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance Company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the Lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY'RE NUTS.

Detroit has it's own version of.....

2006-09-09T13:51:00.000-04:00

these guys for the ragheads, the mexicans and of course the heavily populous nigger.
They stole their TVs so it's easy to get the programs.

Detroit has a lot of city workers.

2006-09-09T13:44:00.000-04:00

He is dressed well enough to be in city hall.

So much for the record

2006-09-09T13:42:00.000-04:00

Check these out

2006-09-09T05:14:00.000-04:00

Want to know the truth

2006-09-08T19:26:00.000-04:00

I guess they're ez to scratch when they itch.

Hey Lady Wipe Your Feet

2006-09-08T19:04:00.000-04:00

300 kids got sent home from schools

2006-09-07T11:48:00.000-04:00

for breaking the new dress codes. They used to go to school like this.